I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
