Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
worst night to have a conscience
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
