new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
