too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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