a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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