chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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