i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
