lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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