well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she smelled like a LAN party
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
