I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
