dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
