i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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