My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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