five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
