I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
50% drunk capacity currently
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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