you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
