I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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