I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
