He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
