I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
