Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
