If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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