My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
PANTIES FOUND
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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