I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
