I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
