I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
