On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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