i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Randomize
