He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
