I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Pooping to opera.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
