the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
