if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Welp...herpes.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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