you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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