Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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