I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
