Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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