another moral hangover. fuck.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
