I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
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I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
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i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando