i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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