Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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