Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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