Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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