i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize