I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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