I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
