Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Come share oat with me in your robe
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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