now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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