Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
