I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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