Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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