Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
