We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
