if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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