I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
