Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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