She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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