The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
