I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think people are normalizing furries
My vagina is very pro this idea
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
